Let it Go, Let it Go...

     As with many other homes across America containing little girls "Let it go" has become a much loved, and often hated, musical mantra in our home over the last year.

This running soundtrack of our life has lately become our life goal as well. After our year of discernment, doubts, denials, questions and finally, acceptance and joy in this call to be missionaries, we knew our next step was to learn to let go. It has been challenging to let go of our beloved family and friends, parish community, job, neighbors, most of our stuff, and home. One week ago we spent our last night in our home of 13 years. It was the only home our children ever knew, the home we fixed up, repaired, remodeled, and tweaked until we got it just right (well almost) - our safe place, our place of comfort, our place of peace (especially when the children were sleeping)...our Home. During this process, the idea of letting go of our home was particularly challenging for me.
     God has been so amazingly good to us! Thankfully a few months ago God transformed our hearts one major step further! There seemed to be less fear, greater zeal and more excitement for this calling. The morning of the move from our home to someone else's home, I awoke with another one of those, "Are we really doing this? This really is crazy!" moments. And as I was praying I realized that we were not leaving so much as we were following. "I will go before you" (Isiah 45:2). Although the end result may seem the same, the attitude seems to make all the difference.

    Throughout the week before the big move I finally took on the "big purge". Unlike my wife, I thought it would be best to wait until the end and just give it all away...well, yet again, I am shown the wisdom of my wife. So, as I was toiling through the nooks and crannies of the garage, the 13 years worth of "just in case" items as well as the tubs of childhood memorabilia and random stuff from the last 39 years, I found myself oscillating between wanting to hang on to as much as possible, and just wanting to let it all go. The morning of the big move was no different.
    After we moved all of our things to our new home (a nice little above-the-garage 3-room living space, with bathroom and kitchenette, so generously offered by our friends the Taylors), I was still feeling a bit off and perhaps a little sad about all the things we had let go of.

Then I had a few minutes with our new friend "Eb". Eb is the Taylor's huge chocolate lab who loves frisbees and even more than them, he loves to be pet and any attention you'll give him. "Eb" is short for Ebeneezer. I haven't had a chance to ask the Taylors why they named him that, but similar to the original Ebeneezer, he likes to collect and hoard. As you throw him a new frisbee, he will run after it, frantically yet skillfully flip it so it's facing the right direction and then add it to the collection in his mouth.

After he collects up to 14, or you run out of frisbees, he will go off and sit with his frisbees. He protects them and won't let you have any of them back. Even though he loves the game of catch, and he loves the interaction, he seems incapable of letting them go. Throughout the last few days I've also noticed that when he doesn't have his collection occupying his attention, he is free to come over to seek and receive attention from his master and others who pass by. Yet when he has accomplished his goal of collecting and guarding as many frisbees as possible, he seems hindered, conflicted, almost addicted. He wants to come back to be in community yet he doesn't know how to do both, so he whines within the moment of conflict and confusion and sits all alone with his hoard. 

    Then it dawned on me, here we are in this beautiful new "home", even though we can't officially call it, or any other place, "our home", in the way most people use the term, it is, for now, our home. It is beautiful and just what we needed! 

 With a play structure, watched over by mama Mary. 6 other live-in instant best friends for our kids. Basketball court. At least 2 acres of property to run around on.

 A beautiful view of miles and miles of the valley, 4 mountains, and a huge Christmas tree farm next door for the kids to play in and to remind us of the impact Jesus has had on this world. And best of all, a 5 foot tall statue of Jesus in the backyard!

It also seems to be the perfect transition to missionary life for us. Living in community, but with only one family for now. Smaller living arrangements, but still very comfortable with some of our own furniture. Great Catholic "neighbors". Just what God knew we needed!

     So, as I was lamenting the challenges of letting go, I thought of Eb and how burdened he was by his possessions. As they were possessing him, I realized how similar we are to that silly dog. How often do the things we "own" get in the way of our connection with our Master, with others who are passing by, with the the things in this world that really matter. Kind of like the clinched hand, holding something so dear that it can no longer open up to receive. And as we all remember from "Where the Red Fern Grows", that poor raccoon that just won't let go of the shiny thing, and therefore chooses to stay trapped. So, for me, letting go seems about as challenging as falling down a hill, it's just hard to muster up the courage to simply tuck and roll....knowing that God's at the bottom of the hill saying, "it's ok, go for it, I gotcha". 

    Thank you Lord!  

     Jesus, I Trust in You.