Some of you may know and some of you may not know, but Bryce and I along with our children have decided to become foreign missionaries. There is great excitement and joy that accompanies this calling and also a lot of trepidation. Today I was asked to share some of our journey over this last year. It has been a year of discernment, of struggle, of wanting to say “no” to God and at the same time wanting to run head long into this great adventure He has put before us. Truly what I have discovered through this mental and soon to be physical journey has been guided by many of the lessons we all have studied in John.
When Jesus says “You follow me” John 21:22. He means it and He is talking to all of us. So when we decide to do just that and listen everything should be perfect right ?!?
At different times this year I have experienced struggle, blessing, growth, loss, friendship, laughter, sorrow...there have been many doubts many, many doubts. This is the soundtrack in my head on a daily basis
* God we can barely leave our house without someone one getting sick, throwing a tantrum, fighting with each other , or getting yelled at and you’re asking us to take this show on the road and use it to help others draw closer to You. That doesn’t seem like a good plan!
* I don’t have it together Lord, how can I give it to others?
* Lord, I am an introvert and you are calling me to be a missionary - willing to open my life in such a way that it is completely exposed!
* I like comfort, I like chocolate, TV, shopping, fancy coffee! I need these things to cope on a regular basis Lord!
And yet, even with all that whining, I continued to hear God’s voice calling, patiently waiting me out, hoping that I would be faithful, that I would say “yes.” Of course, when I did say “yes” I had to change my coping mechanisms to planning exactly what clothing would be perfect for mission not annoying, ugly or uncomfortable - doesn’t that sound ridiculous and eating the very good things we have so abundantly here more often because soon I will have to do without.
My list of reasons to stay was huge and yet in many ways insignificant. “you follow me” God is Light in Him there is no darkness” 1John5
These anxieties, these doubts they are darkness. They are not in the light. When I put myself before God, when I expose myself to the light, my reasons fall away, they do not stand up in the presence of God and His light. Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying about how I am supposed to be weak, to be vulnerable, to be naked, to be real and exposed fully to the Light. It is in and through my weakness, my vulnerabilities that God can work. “Your grace is sufficient for me, for power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9). The story of Doubting Thomas has alway been one of my favorites but I learned something new from it this year. Jesus, our model, showed Thomas his own wounds...He expects us to do the same. God does not care that I am not bold enough to be a missionary, He does not care that my children are not perfect, He does not care that I spend entirely too much time thinking about what I am wearing and how my hair looks or how many cookies I ate. He already knows all these things and more and yet He still chose to call me. He takes my “yes” my very meager “yes” and chooses to use it for His own glory. He wants me to be like the child who offers his 5 barley loaves and 2 fish even though there is over 5000 to feed. He will take my offering, my willingness and use it to do miraculous things for His kingdom, for His glory. If I were trying to be perfect, to be normal, I wouldn’t offer up so little in the face of so much but that is what God wants. He wants us with all our many imperfections and He wants to use us in spite of and because of our imperfections. Jesus will redeem them all if we are willing to offer, to expose, to be in the light. He will make us beyond anything we can imagine, beyond beautiful, beyond amazing. He will make us glorious, “I am made glorious in the sight of the Lord and my God is now my strength" (Isaiah 49:5).
So I said yes, we said yes, we will follow You, we will be vulnerable for You, be weak for You, exposed for you because of our desire for your Glory. Our yes just happened to be to Family Missions Company, an amazing, holy group of people who hold dear the values of the Catholic Church, who want to proclaim this amazing gospel of joy, and love and mercy, and who live in solidarity with the poor.
During this time here I have seen and heard many of your “yes’s” I have constantly been inspired, encouraged, and challenged by your faithfulness. If you have room or desire for one more “yes” we would love your prayers and your support on this journey. Either way you will come with me in my heart. Thank you!
